Life's hard for all

My life is hard, it is a struggle for me on most days to get out of bed.

To remember to make myself take my pills that are suppose to help the chemical imbalance in my brain.

Aka make me happier and more “normal”.

Sometimes I feel like they work other times I feel like my old self.

I let the thoughts I thought were gone back in.

Once they are in I can’t get them out.

I think about things that I’ve done and the way I liked the feeling.

But then I think about the people I know that would be disappointed in me if I chose that path once again.

So I sit and contemplate, should I or no.

I liked the pain the feeling of getting it out in a way

That only I could feel I mean I wasn’t hurting anyone else was I?

But no I made a promise, so I choose to sit in silence.

I choose to do nothing but sit and stare into the emptiness inside of me.

I try to fill the hole with anything that it will hold.

I try to keep my mind occupied to keep away the thoughts of suicide.

But then there are days when everything seems alright,

The pain is still there but its not so debilitating.

On these days life is not so bad.

I have energy I can talk and reciprocate the feeling and put effort into conversing.

I can express the things on my mind

And try to tell them I’m not okay

And need some help and not just for the day.

These are the days I’m motivated, to my commitments, to my job, or to anything that involves another person.

These are the days that I see my people the most.

I try to explain where I’ve been

Why I’ve been so distant

But they know they’ve been there with me before.

The days that I am okay, those are the days that I feel loved.

And those are they days I return the love.