Missed Funeral
You called the day before
to say no PDA
But then didn’t like what I had to say
If me and my fiance Cannot hold hands
Than the rules should be the same for everyone else
But in your eyes
They are “OK in God’s eyes”
and we aren’t
That’s fine,
We don’t go,
I do wonder though what was so Important
That you reacted that way
Just because some friends from your old church were there?
hope it was worth it.
Me missing my grandmother’s funeral
All over holding hands
I don’t know what is worse
You believing what I said was true
Or wanting to sweep it under the rug.
How did you not know what was going on.
I remember one time it happened in the middle of the dining room
Right by the sunroom you always sat in
Yet you act surprised when they came and got him.
Were you really oblivious or did you just not care?
The things that were done to me changed me forever.
I will never be the same
I grew up to hate myself
How am I supposed to love others if all I know is hate
All I know is that you hated me for some reason
You must have to want no one to care
To make me feel like all you cared about was yourself
Or worse just him
Even after all the things he did all you did was pretend
Pretend it didn’t happen, pretend it didn’t matter
Your choice to choose him ruined any chance of a relationship with me
It messed up the relationship you had with your daughter,
Yet you still didn’t care about it
Out of seven children all you care about it the one.
To bad you chose the crappy son
The one that likes to lie to everyone.
He lied to you about everything
He told YOU that he was sorry
He told YOU that he had changed
But in reality he is not who you make him out to be
If he was he would have apologized to Me
Or at least to his sister and his FAMILY.
All he did was manipulate
So I hope it was worth it for you
I hope the loss of a relationship with your grandchild,
The loss of a good standing relationship with a daughter
Is what you can live with for your decisions
Even now when you’re old and confused
You know deep down you made the wrong excuse
To chose the one person who ended a whole family with one decision
I hope one day I’ll forgive you
For all the things you’ve done
And not just this one
But until then you can stay there.
I Remember When
I remember the days when we would sit on the couch and watch tv or work on my homework together,
The days when I was the one you cared for, the apple of your eye, so to speak.
I remember us taking four-wheeler rides through our land back when we were still a single-family.
Back before the war between the parents
where the kids had to choose sides
Where the kids had to learn who would do what.
Relearning Life
This was before the manipulation and the lies from both sides.
I wish we could have the same relationship as we did then.
When you were the one I cared for the most
But then it happened.
You Left on your own. (So I thought)
You should have tried harder to see your kids more.
But when you moved out It Began.
Mom found a new man.
We stayed with our grandparents most of the time.
This is where the abuse began.
The man who was supposed to be an uncle
turned out to be a child abuser.
As I stayed in silence, he became your friend
Or at least that’s what I was told, by my mom.
You Did Nothing but Sit.
She let me believe.
When in actuality she decided to not show up. Instead, you were the one to stand up in court .
To find justice in the correct manner.
I was told you did nothing but had people inside.
Made to believe that you didn’t care what had happened
But now I know the truth, you did what you could.
All the anger, resentment, and bad feelings I had are now gone.
Since that last conversation we had.
I wished I’d learned the truth earlier.
Then maybe we would have had a better relationship.
Is too late for that now,
But I’ll always remember WHO actually stood up And took charge when it mattered
I Remember When
I remember the days when we would sit on the couch and watch tv or work on my homework together,
The days when I was the one you cared for, the apple of your eye, so to speak.
I remember us taking four-wheeler rides through our land back when we were still a single-family.
Back before the war between the parents where the kids had to choose sides
Where the kids had to learn who would do what.
Relearning Life
This was before the manipulation and the lies from both sides.
I wish we had the same relationship as we did then.
When you were the one I cared for the most
But then it happened.
You Left.
You should have tried harder.
You should have at least fought for your family
but you gave in and moved out.
This is When it Began.
Mom found a new man.
We stayed with our grandparents most of the time.
This is where the abuse began.
The man who was supposed to be an uncle
turned out to be a child abuser.
As I stayed in silence, he became your friend
and this is how it came down in the end.
You Did Nothing but Sit
You didn’t try to do anything.
Instead, you said you knew people inside.
This was probably a lie.
Which are you didn’t care what had happened
or at least you didn’t care enough.
If you did, you would have done something. Anything would have been enough.
Enough to Show that You Cared for Me
Anything at all would have sufficed.
Years later, I still hold you at fault whether I should or not.
I just wish you had seen what was going on.
I mean, there were signs.
But I Can’t Blame You for Someone Else’s Decisions.
Just for yours at that was to do nothing.
Yes, I’m still mad and still sad.
And I know I should forgive you for this one thing.
But I just can’t until I understand why.
I Should Have Known
I should have known something wasn’t right
When you told me you loved me for the first time
And I didn’t say it back
I should have known something was up.
When I couldn’t stand the fact that you wrote me love letters
Or when you posted love stuff on social media
I mean, I didn’t even “like” the post
Not My Type
I should have realized much sooner
That you weren’t my type
way before I let it go as far as I did
You were not the problem; it was me
I was the one starting things trying to get you to leave first.
And I didn’t know why then, but I do now
I just wasn’t into the whole thing
I wasn’t into the wedding
Also, I wasn’t into fooling around
and I definitely wasn’t into having sex
What I Wanted
I just wanted to feel loved and wanted
You seemed to care and want me
So I tried to play along
I tried to compromise all of my feelings
To fulfill your needs
Give you what you wanted.
To support you in any and all ways that I could
Reality
But in reality, all I was doing was lying to myself
Lying to you
And lying to my family
Lying about why I felt that way
And lying about what I truly wanted
lying about my life
Hiding
All I wanted was to feel loved and accepted
that is why I didn’t end it sooner
that is why I didn’t confess that I didn’t truly have feelings
at least not romantic feelings.
I did it because I wanted to cover up what I already knew
And that I wasn’t ready, to tell the truth,
Which is I like girls
And there is nothing I can do to make people accept, so I hide
And think over the fact that I am different than the rest.
What is Normal
I sit, and I wait, and I try to think about what I can do to make myself normal
Or at least more acceptable
I could hang out with some friends
Go watch some tv and sit and chat
But I have to make sure I stay on topics that wouldn’t make me lie to feel like I fit in
That I feel the way they do about everything
Or something more than others
So maybe not that
What Should I Do?
Maybe I could go on a date
Sign up for a dating app
Oh no, that could be trouble
What if my friends find out I’m looking at
So no, not that
Okay, so I know what’s safe
Just go to bed and get some rest
But then, when I go to bed, my mind won’t shut off
And I’m stuck with the thoughts that I’m trying to ignore.
When I get here
This is when it gets ugly
This is when the spiral goes down
This is when I try to hurt myself
What Would Happen if She Found Out
That I was more different than she had ever thought
That I was the one thing she couldn’t tolerate
Would she kick me out
Or would she hate me
Would she quit loving me
I would love to say no
But in reality, the answer is yes
Yes, she would do all three
Go To Hell
I’ve been told several times growing up that it’s wrong
If you think that way, you go to Hell
If you act that way, you go to Hell
So, of course, I didn’t want to admit that I am what I am
I didn’t want anyone to know my preference
Because I myself ignored it, hoping it would go away
Yet here I am at the age I am realizing really, for the first time
What I am and which people I like
And I’m worried about her reaction if she were ever to find out.
What I Have Been Told
Growing up, I’ve been told that she would rather DIE than have a child like me
Well, a child who likes a person of the same gender
I was told that she would rather stay in the dark than be told
So I’m going to respect her wishes
And not telling her
I’ll just let her die thinking she had at least one semi-normal child
Sure it’s a lie, but at least she’ll be happy
It’s the least I can do
She deserves to be happy
And I deserve to have a standing relationship
with at least one member of my family
Note to self
This is not your fault
You are not the one who made the choice
All you did was follow a voice
A voice of someone you were supposed to trust.
Someone everyone else said you could trust
Not Your Fault
It’s not your fault
that you are scared to love
Or scared to be loved
Or that you are afraid to be touched.
If anything, it is his fault
He chose to hurt you
and He chose to betray your innocent trust
He chose to do the unthinkable
and steal the innocence that you shouldn’t have lost
Stop!
So stop blaming yourself for his mistakes
you were not and are not at fault.
You didn’t make those choices
So stop claiming it as yours
I never know when they will come
Always lurking around the corner
Like a lion ready to pounce
They come without warning
When I wake, I feel it
The darkness closes in
And I welcome it
The darkness is familiar to me
Though it is full of sadness and hurt
Trauma and the like
But I am not surprised
I know when the time has come
For another dark day to begin
Therapy helps
Medication helps
But the dark days are still around
Brought on by stress or pain
Or sometimes for no reason at all
Those days when all I want to do
Is lying in bed and hiding from the world
I wonder what made me this way
Why do I have these dark days?
Sometimes I understand
Sometimes I don’t
I used to be told
You have everything
How can you have these dark days?
It’s all in your head
It isn’t real
Then why do I feel this way?
It’s not that I want to feel like this
I didn’t choose this life
I don’t choose the dark days
If I had to choose
I would choose light
Happy
Sunshine, rainbows
Sadly, they don’t come that often
It isn’t my fault that I am this way
That the dark days chose me
I can’t help it
What I can do is try to mitigate the damage
Damage control
I never know when the next dark day will come
But I can take my meds
I can go to therapy
I can talk to the few people I trust
Maybe
Just maybe
The dark days will go away
I can hope
I can dream
But for now, the dark days are here
The dark days don’t define me
They are not who I am
I know who I am
I am confident in who I am
But on those days, sometimes I forget
It is a talent those days have
I don’t mean to forget, but sometimes I do
It’s like a fog over my mind
A dense, soupy fog
That distorts words
Distorts feelings
Emotions
And people
I have to be strong
{I} can’t let the bad days hold me
I can’t let myself down into that pit
The pit where I have spent many a night
The pit is where the darkness leads
The darkness can’t take me there
No more
No more
So I will soldier on
Put on a brave face
When the darkness comes
Because the darkness can’t take me
Not now
Not ever
From the Outside Looking In {my family}
We were a happy family
{We} went to church
We spent time with other people
{We} went places together
But what you don’t see
Is the mother that can’t get out of bed
Or the stepfather that won’t help feed the kids
And the nine-year-old raising her younger brothers.
All that is seen is what they want you to see
Happy, healthy children
Children that spend time with other kids
And parents that provide the best they can
Truly my parents did try the best they could
But sometimes that’s not enough
Sometimes the best is not good or bad just an effort
On the days that everyone was happy
Everything was fine
But those days when the yelling was too hard to bear
Or the throwing of things was upsetting to hear
Those are the days that stick with children
Having a stepfather that could care less
Or can’t stand to look at you because you’re not his
Or maybe because of jealousy of the bond a mother has with her kids
That is hard
And then there are the days
When your mother can’t get out of bed
Because she has massive depression
Not that you understand because yet again you are nine
Those days are the days that are the hardest
Because you’re alone in the house
And in charge of the kids
Who are five and one
Don’t get me wrong I love those kids
And I would do anything for them still
But there is so much one child can do
And some things are just too much responsibility
And even though no one knew what was going on
Or maybe no one was observant enough to see
Either way, I choose to believe that it all happened for a reason
And I would still choose to help even though it took away my childhood
At least they got to keep theirs
Life's hard for all 